humor

Brighten Your Day and Enlighten Your Life

George Bernard Shaw once said that if you find something funny search it for hidden truth. Here are few pearls of wisdom packaged in humour. Enjoy.

1. You wouldn't worry what people thought about you if you only knew how seldom they did.

2. To expect life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because you're a vegetarian.

3 .Worry is like a rocking chair; it will give you something to do, but won't get you anywhere.

4. Pain and suffering are a lot like gas....they too shall pass.

5. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.

6. Anyone who says that swimming is good for the figure has never

taken a real good look at a whale.

7. A bore is always "ME" deep in conversation.

8. Some people think their lives are full, when really they're just cluttered.

9. If at first you don't succeed, try not to be amazed.

10. A leader without a sense of humour is like a grass cutter at a cemetery. You have a lot of people under you paying absolutely no attention.

Live Better....Laugh More

humor

Everyday.

You're mesmerized for hours by the wonders of Internet business - you market, you negotiate, you design, you submit, you research, you chat...a lot...

Everyday.

Enthralled and empowered by your cyber-independence, you plan and scheme, plot and dream.

While life in the REAL world goes on around you...

"Hey Mom, can I have lunch now?? It's three o'clock!!"

"Huh? Whaa...yeah, five minutes, honey...lessee, click here..."

Funny how the daily grind hasn't ground to a halt...

"Dadsign this? It just says that you know about my tryin' to burn down the school and ya assume full financial responsibility...No big deal, couple alarms..."

"Darn HTML code...Hmm? Yeah...five minutes, umm...son??"

Things just keep rolling on...

"Ya GOTTA see this cool fort me and Billy Scuzbucket built, Grandma!!! And we got grenades, napalm, coupla ICBMs...WAAAY cool!!!"

"Whazzat? D'ja want something, sweetie? I'll be

right there...just five minutes..."

Life is like that...

humor

Balloon Animals

More then ever before, I have seen the rise in restaurants providing table side entertainment. While you wait to be seated, or for your meal to come, you can be entertained by a skilled magician or a fancy balloon animal.

This is wonderful. It provides the restaurant with a bit more time to get everything ready, it helps pass the time for the customers and the performers usually gets a nice tip.

As you have probably guessed by now, I am a performer. I twist balloon animals and cartoon parodies. They are quite wonderful. But I can’t help but wonder why I am tipped the same for a one balloon dog as I am for a 12 balloon monster truck that takes considerable amount of time. I understand that there are some who are only skilled enough to make a balloon dog. I think

that there should be a difference in what he is tipped and what I am tipped.

What determines what someone is tipped? Is it the amount of skill they have at their craft? Is it how fervently they worked to please you? Or is it simply the lowest amount that you think you can get away with?

humor

RI Humor: It's Still Resonating, By Golly!

I was scheduled to have my first MRI bright and early on a Saturday morning. It's a good thing they asked me to wear clothes without buttons or zippers. I woke up, sipped a cup of strong hot coffee (thankful for a compassionateM husband), took a quick shower, and threw on a clean pair of jammies. Sweatpants and a t-shirt, actually, but at 7:00 AM, I looked like I'd just rolled out of bed, anyway.

"Open MRI" is an interesting experience - I still can't decide if it's one of the most comfortable medical tests I've ever had to endure, or one of the creepiest. I can't really comment on the differences between "open" vs. "closed" MRI; I don't know that it would've made all that much difference to me, since I'm not the least bit claustrophobic.

On the one hand, the table was not so hard, the technician put a nice cushion under my knees to keep my back comfortable, and he placed pads at my ears to keep my head from moving and help block out the sound. The room was neither too hot, nor too cold. A popular radio station provided a little background noise. All in all, it was comfortable.

On the other hand, the MRI does sound a bit like a pile driver on speed and a distant jackhammer, punctuated by the occasional staple gun. Having that heavy piece of equipment hovering over your nose for half an hour does make you wonder, idly, what your head would look like if the thing collapsed. The worst part, though, was the technician's telling me "don't swallow."

Don't swallow. Now, that's like saying "don't think about pink elephants." Suddenly swallowing became the

one overwhelming obsession of my life. For a few minutes, I confused swallowing with breathing, and thought maybe I shouldn't do either one. Then I wasn't sure if it was possible to breathe without swallowing. My tongue seemed to be glued to the back of my throat, obstructing my airway. I was aware of sensations related to swallowing and the anatomy of my throat that I've never given a thought to before in my life!

For a few minutes, right after the thumping noises got started, I had this barely controllable urge to laugh. The more I tried not to, the harder it was to contain myself. That was bad. I tried to imagine, again, what my head would look like if the machine collapsed upon my nose. Strangely, that only increased my urge to giggle.

Then I was hyperconscious of the need to pee. Given that I'd just toured the facilities a minute before hopping onto the table, it had to be a combination of early-morning coffee and nerves, but I was unable to think of anything but swallowing, laughing, and trying not to disgrace myself for nearly 30 minutes!

After the tests were done, I got a nice souvenir coffee mug filled with candy. How lovely! My "glamour shots" would be ready for professional evaluation by mid-week. I thought "Gee, maybe if I'm good, the orthopedic surgeon will give me a lollipo

humor

Humorous Software? It's Going To Bust Your Chops.

Do you think software is boring? Think again. Software companies have developed products that change your voice, make funny pictures and even predict your future. Curious? Read on.

AV Voice Changer (Avnex Ltd)

Browbeaten by bad chaps? Not allowed to play adult games? Want nobody to recognize your real identity? Now with AV Voice Changer Software, you not only can escape others' threats but also do "haunt" them the other way round. Like a "ghost", you can roam freely in voice chat rooms and online games. Being anonymous, you can play tricks on your buddies or, who knows, catch your hubby (or wife) in the act.

No matter they are male or female, young or old, you still can "catch" them with this online voice changer software. Now that you can disguise your voice, playing the role of a passionate gentle man, or a sexy chick, or a naughty teen gal is just as easy as apple pie.

How does this computer voice changer work? Thanks to its Pitch and Timbre table and Equalization settings, AV Voice Changer Software allows you to create unlimited number of pitch-timbre levels. Equalizer and Advanced Tuner can be adjusted accordingly to help normalize the new voice to make it more natural.

humor

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices 3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices by Tim Ward I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices! 1. Don't Drive Your Car This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less. Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer? 2. Carpool It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple. Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by: (a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill. (b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper. (c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc. (d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud! You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again. 3. Ride the Bus/Subway Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines: 1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you. 2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you. 3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back. 4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging. 5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material. Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you... About the Author Timothy Ward publishes the Ward Wide Webzine, a publication that refuses to bring you anything but the best articles and internet marketing tips. it is also slam-packed with humor and laughs. Subscribers are expected to interact through contest and submissions. To subscribe now visit: http://www.wardwidewebzine.goduck.net

humor all the way

Try to see the goodness in every human being

Try to accept everything life offers with cheer